Zeb (clanmasterzeb) wrote,

Some days before I left, my parents told me that they thought I seemed unusually nervous. I've been anxious about an upcoming date: my twenty-first birthday.
Birthdays are not really a big deal to me, normally. I don't like big parties, and the chief reason I have them nowadays is because it coincides with all of my friends coming home from school; it's a nice kick-off to the summer. I'd actually stopped having birthday parties after I turned fifteen; I just don't like 'em very much. I don't really like a big hullabaloo, either, and I don’t set expectations all that high. I like getting a couple presents from my parents and grandparents, I like going out to dinner, and I like my friends wishing me a happy birthday.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to be turning twenty-one, so I can finally drink a beer after work, go out and have wine with dinner, or make a nice stiff Manhattan after a crappy day. I won’t be confined to enjoying good alcohol with my parents anymore, and I can finally go to all of the twenty-one and over venues.

However, I’m terrified of oncoming adulthood. I graduate in a year, and I’m not happy at the prospect of having to leave LC. I like it too much. My first year of college can barely be described as a year of college, given that I spent a third of it convalescing. PSU wasn’t all that different from Sunset High School; the only difference is that the classes tended to be better. I’ve loved most aspects of LC, and I don’t want to leave.

It goes beyond leaving a place that I like, though. I still have grad school to look forward to, and I’m sure that that will be really fun. I’ll be able to study what I love all the time, and be with like-minded people. No, it’s the fact that I seem to be drawing ever closer to adulthood. There are responsibilities that I want to avoid, such as getting a house, finding my position (not a guarantee). Obviously, I can’t avoid them forever, nor do I necessarily want to. I just want to be harmlessly irresponsible, not burdened with these adult worries, and indulging in my hobbies and fancies when I want. I basically want to be childishly selfish, and I don’t see this as a bad thing.

I'm also afraid because I'm twenty one and have done nothing with my life, but that's more typical insecurity on my part. I can laugh at that.

Bosh. Flimshaw.
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